You’ve all heard the phrase “Happily ever after” in stories, fairy tales, and romcoms. Generally, this comes at the end of the story, going through the difficult process of courting, finding love, and getting to the ever after in marriage. This concept really appeals to our sense of nature that, one it’s forever, two, it’s unconditional. In reality, this is very different, though still very much possible. Just need to approach this from the right angle.
The Myth of “Happily Ever After”
The issue isn’t the concept or idea at all. The idea is actually something pleasant and obtainable. The issue is people somehow expect relationships to work without putting in any effort. Yes, people generally scoff when you put it this way, but in practice, people are lazy and get complacent.
Here’s why unconditional not only doesn’t work, but it’s a bad thing to assume. On the surface, unconditional means that people should just accept abuse. In reality, no one should ever put up with abuse. Yes, love is conditional, conditional that you act human and not like a raging genital hole. Avoiding the negative is part of it, but there are some positive things you should be doing as well.
A wise man said; you should do things that earn your partner’s love every day. This doesn’t mean you need to go all out on expenses and presents. This means you treat your partner with love and respect, not taking a lazy day off, and putting in a little effort daily. No one is going to love someone who just drinks all day and complains, spends all day on social media, or video games all day. Not that there’s evil in any of those things, when it consumes someone’s life, it loses its value to their partner and becomes an issue.
Putting in the effort, even a little at a time, really can add up. Relationships are like a bank account, an emotional account if you will, you can withdraw and deposit positive and negative experiences. All the little good things you do can increase your account, that’s why you can sometimes make a big withdrawal without too much issue. However, nothing will drain a bank account like many small withdrawals. When the account becomes empty or in the negative, that relationship is basically done.
Unconditional isn’t negative
You like receiving gifts, right? Compliments? When it comes to any relationship, there are healthy boundaries that should be set. You have a set of standards that would make you comfortable, and deviating from that would make you uncomfortable. It wouldn’t be fair if only one partner in the relationship got gifts and compliments and all the positive treatment, right? I keep using the term partner because it is an agreement between two people with mutual goals. That can be a boyfriend, girlfriend, courting, or marriage. It all falls under that category, and your relationship is usually an unspoken contract on how you want and expect to be treated.
So your relationship is conditioned on specific principles that you establish at the start of the relationship. All other changes should be negotiated with your partner.
Unconditional love is often portrayed as a love that knows no bounds, where no matter the circumstances or flaws, or that it remains love remains unwavering. That ideal is entirely possible, provided you can afford it. If you’ve invested enough into your relationship and into your emotional account, you can be a big spender. But that account is also like trust, the less you use, the more you have. It’s essential to recognize that there are boundaries and limits to what we can accept or tolerate within a relationship. Setting healthy boundaries and having reasonable expectations are crucial for maintaining healthy relationships.
Fences and boundaries
Fences and boundaries are good in a healthy relationship. It’s important to set those with everyone, not just in romantic relationships. This way you both acknowledge you have needs, boundaries, and values that should be respected. It promotes personal growth, individuality, and the ability to communicate openly about one’s needs and desires.
In healthy relationships, love is nurtured through mutual support, understanding, and shared values. It’s important to have realistic expectations and recognize that love is not a cure-all for all challenges that arise. Relationships require continuous effort, compromise, and communication to thrive.
Striving for Realistic Love
Rather than seeking an elusive “happily ever after” or unconditional love, it is more realistic and practical to strive for a love that is rooted in honesty, trust, respect, and compromise. This means recognizing that relationships evolve and require ongoing effort from both parties.
Open and honest communication is vital in nurturing a healthy relationship. It allows for discussions about needs, expectations, and boundaries, ensuring that both individuals feel heard and respected. By focusing on building a foundation of mutual understanding, empathy, and respect, a relationship can flourish and bring true fulfillment for both of you.
Dogs are a lot safer in a fenced area than wandering around in the street with cars. Dogs also need to know their place in the hierarchy of the family. When this basic need isn’t met, dogs often become angry and mean. They think they have to assume the role of a leader if they can’t find one. However, when this basic need is met, a dog is happy to submit to the family and explore whatever they want to do in that role. Similarly, we have this need as well, but more so where we stand in a relationship. It’s easier to be happy in a relationship knowing where the land mines are and how to navigate together. That is conditional love, this is how you get ever after.