Our society and Western civilization have lost what it means to be masculine. If you don’t believe me, go to an image search and look up feminine, then masculine. There isn’t a clear vision of masculinity, and it’s generally not passed on to the next generation very well.
I do not subscribe to the term “toxic masculinity”. If I were to subscribe to toxic masculinity, I would also have to subscribe to toxic femininity. The latter creates the former and vice versa. Rather than going in that direction, I prefer to say there are definitely toxic people, but the features of masculinity benefit everyone.
A common complaint is men not sharing their feelings. Men and boys naturally do this, as a child, boys are rewarded by going to their parents for a need, then getting that need fulfilled. The issue is boys and men are conditioned to bottle up their feelings. Either from bad parenting or in society as a whole. They are conditioned at some point that they will be punished for expressing themselves. Most behavior in society is shaped, pushed, or pulled by our actions, people are conditioned on what acceptable behavior is.
The same goes for a relationship, at each stage, you subconsciously set boundaries on what is acceptable and what isn’t. It’s not manipulative if you consciously do this, unless it’s with malicious intent. Both of you define for each other how you want to be treated, this is a natural process in a relationship. If you want men to open up, they need to feel safe to do so. Using this as ammunition for later arguments or distancing yourself when he does is toxic and conditions him to stiffen up. For men, that’s a deep level of trust, akin to physical safety. Once lost, it may not be possible to regain that trust. For men, being able to open up to someone, anyone, is a very private and intimate affair.
People treat masculinity like it’s something that can be earned and taken away on a whim. People often say you’re not a Man if you do this. You’re only a man if you do that. Men and Women think they have the ability to take away the man card for any reason. Cute, sometimes fun, but not the case.
Masculinity is something that needs to be taught, learned, or discovered. It works best when taught by an older man, a father figure. The epitome of masculinity is working towards a purpose, a goal, and focus. To work towards greatness, regardless of what form it takes. To work toward something with purpose; to provide for a family, to make the fastest car, to make the most powerful jet, or to build a home. Once a man has found his purpose, he can be content in life doing just that. For men, they become the most masculine when they focus on an external goal. You will often find men who are working towards a goal, happy.
When men are hyper-focused on their goals, there are a lot of adjacent traits that people pick up. Because of this, people think a lot of other traits are masculine:
- Strength
- Focus
- Challenge
- Accepting responsibility
- Accountability
- Direct
- Logic
- Assertive
- Structured
- Competitive
- Action/Doing
- Talented
- Survivor
- Tough
I personally wouldn’t attribute these to men. These are traits I would say are masculine adjacent, not directly masculine traits.
I’ll explain my point with an example: I remember reading an article about a wife praising her husband. He was short and weak physically due to a condition, never able to give a firm handshake. However, he was unmoved in his purpose and never stepped to the side of his goals. He was determined, a man on a mission. The tone of the whole article was nothing but respect and love. I would call that very masculine.
As a woman, it’s possible to get a man on that path to become masculine, without being negative in any way. No amount of nagging or encouragement will set a man on his path. If he does, it will be borrowed faith that will dissolve quickly. The trick is not to push him in any way, but any time he gets near his path, you should reward him with praise and sometimes affection. This will condition him to want to find his purpose and that he’s safe to do so. Then, when he does, it will feel very natural as he gives off more masculine energy. I’d even be careful of advice. The tone of how you talk to him can be perceived negatively.
For men telling other men (or anyone not in a relationship), it’s easy. This can simply be done through education. Both positive and negative reinforcement works well as long as there’s substance and truth to it. When you have a clear point with evidence or lots of experience, you can convince men.
Masculinity should be cherished in society as well as femininity, as they are complimentary. Once a man finds his purpose, he will naturally take on a lot of the traits people normally think about when it comes to masculinity, including success and security. There are many negative traits that people associate with masculinity, I would call these false indicators.
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